Invasion of the Tatum-snatchers: a Celtics horror story

October 31st was one of those gray days in Boston. Not sunny but not dark either — with no rain on the horizon. There was nothing foreboding about it. The wind was calm over the streets of downtown, the air sang of cigarettes (but not too many) and tasted of clam chowder and Sam Adams Boston Lager… or should I say Laga?

Most days in Boston are of this sort, and so nobody balked when Jayson Tatum didn’t show up to practice on time. It was unusual for Jayson to be late, but no cause for genuine alarm. Joe Mazzulla always treated his players like adults, and trusted that if they had to arrive a few minutes later than expected, they had a good reason to do so. Only Luke Kornet, ever the wise, wondered where he was.

“Did anyone hear from Jayson this A.M.?” remarked Luke while switching the music from ‘2010s Rock Hits’ to ‘Disney Sing-Along Road Trip’ to the dismay of Jaden Springer, whose playlist he had usurped. “I usually pass him in the lot but he wasn’t there today.”

“Nah,” said Jaylen Brown, playing chess on his phone. “I’m sure he’s alright. Big Deuce probably just had to help Deuce with his costume for school. I heard he’s going as you this year, X.”

“Me?” responded Xavier Tillman, meticulously folding his denim jacket. “He better not be wearing a bald cap… I still have hair left to show the world!”

Payton Pritchard chuckled. Sam Hauser continued warming up free throws. Al Horford wondered silently who had more hair, himself or Xavier? But there was still no Jayson, and it wasn’t until Joe came down from his office that the players began to get worried.

Joe was dressed in a full-length skeleton suit and mask, which was of such quality it must have cost several hundred dollars. Pritchard wondered if he had had it custom-made, and if he might be able to get a similar one for next Halloween. But it wasn’t Joe’s costume that made the players nervous. It was what he said.

“Jayson won’t be joining us today,” said Joe, completely deadpan. “Let’s get some layup lines running, Tony can organize things for a few minutes.”

Tony Dobbins began giving orders for the first set of drills, while Joe retreated into the corner. Luke kept his eyes on him, and noticed him making a phone call just out of earshot. He was loosely covering his mouth to ensure no one could read his lips, but Luke thought he made out the word “J-a-y-s-o-n.” He kept it to himself.

Joe put his phone away and returned to the court.

“He alright?” asked Derrick White, who had just arrived from Sports Med along with Jrue Holiday.

“Maybe. Maybe not. Are any of us actually ever completely alright? I don’t know where he is, but I wouldn’t want to speculate on if he is alright or not,” said Joe, lucid as always. Not one player was surprised by this response.

“Did he call you?” asked Jrue.

“No,” retorted Joe. This sent a murmur through the gym.

“So how do you—”

“He called Brad. Said he had something to attend to.”

This was unusual. Jayson hadn’t said anything in the group chat or given any indication that something was wrong. He had always leaned on his guys, especially Jaylen, in tough situations, so no one knew quite what to think. Jaylen was suspicious, but practice went on as best it could.

Twenty minutes later, Kristaps Porzingis walked in. He looked disheveled, like he hadn’t slept in days. He was dressed head to toe in a brand-new Adidas jumpsuit, and had fashionable white gloves on like he was the Latvian Michael Jackson.

He was also wearing a surgical mask and a bucket hat. None of the players knew he was sick, but Jaylen noted how Kristaps — who lived in the same building — had said the night before that he would drive himself to the Auerbach Center rather than carpooling like usual. Jaylen scoffed at the wasted gas money, but didn’t question his friend’s decision since he was on a different training schedule anyway.

“Hey bro, how’s the foot today?” asked Pritchard.

“Fine,” said Kristaps, quietly and with a raspy tone.

“You lose your voice?” asked Jordan Walsh, who almost bumped into Kristaps walking to the benches.

“Yeah, I’m sick, you know,” said Kristaps again. Jaylen was put off. Kristaps never said “you know” after sentences. It was always before. Jaylen always noticed these little things. It was the little things that made all the difference in life. And Kristaps hated bucket hats. His hair was too beautiful to be contained like that.

“Ten minute break, stay hydrated, or your cells might suffer irreversible mitochondrial damage,” shouted Joe to everyone. “Jaylen, can I talk to you upstairs for a minute?”

Jaylen squinted at Joe, suspicious that something was amiss. But he came along, wanting to get to the bottom of what was wrong with Kristaps and where Jayson was. He suspected Joe knew something about it.

Joe’s office was full of macabre decorations, from sculpted skulls to eerie posters all the way to a live black widow spider that Joe had imported from British Columbia and named Jim. But Jaylen was unfazed by this. He sat down in the chair opposite Joe’s.

“I wanted to talk to you about what you feel your role would be like without Jayson,” asked Joe, eerily.

“I don’t know, and I wouldn’t want to find out,” said Jaylen with cold precision. He had no interest in buying whatever Joe was selling.

“Do you think you could maybe be more than this? Grow into something greater than you are if Jayson were to just… disappear?”

“It’s the ties that bind us that make us strong. We don’t get strong out in the cold.”

“The strongest wolves are the ones who grow up alone, outside the pack.”

“Respectfully, I’m not a wolf.” Just then, Jaylen noticed a sound coming from Joe’s closet. At first he thought it might be a humidifier or some sort of gadget, but it was… pulsing, going in and out. Jaylen started to sweat from behind his neck, he knew what he heard.

It was breathing.

Jaylen raced to come up with a plan. He stared at Joe, who stared right back at him through his incredibly-well-done face paint. What could he do? How could he save Jayson? And what was wrong with Kristaps? What had Joe done? What had Brad done? Was this all a test? If so, why him?

Jaylen wasted no more time. He leaped from his chair and threw the closet door open to find a large, human-like lump covered in a massive blanket. He tore off the blanket, sure he was about to discover that Jayson had been abducted. But Jayson wasn’t under the blanket,

It was Kristaps.

“Hahahahahaha! Look at your face, bro!” said Kristaps, unable to contain his excitement. Jaylen looked back at Joe, who now had a wry smile on his face. “You know, you really thought Jayson had been kidnapped. You really did!” Jaylen was stunned. This was undoubtedly Kristaps, but if he was here, who was downstairs?

Jaylen raced down the stairs to find out, and saw the other Kristaps rebounding for his teammates, though his jumpsuit seemed a bit tight and his arms were moving awkwardly. Jaylen ran up to him and stared into his eyes. They were the wrong color.

“Who is this?!” yelled Jaylen to the whole room. He then turned to this Kristaps. “Who are you!?”

“Kristaps, bro, what is wrong with you?” he threw his hands up in indignation. But Jaylen had seen that hand wave before. He had seen it many times, after Jayson missed layups, incensed that no foul was called.

With no more patience, Jaylen reached up and plucked off Kristaps’ hat. It exposed a cheap blonde wig that jostled around when the hat was torn off. Jaylen stopped for a moment in shock, but then plucked off the wig to reveal that Kristaps’ face was a mask, which felt like it had padding inside to make whoever was wearing it’s head bigger than it actually was. Jaylen didn’t want to take off the mask before he knew what the heck was going on. But Luke was tired of waiting, and he snuck behind the fake Kristaps and slipped off the mask to reveal who was behind it.

It was… Deuce?

Deuce Tatum? Jayson’s son?

“Happy Halloween!!!” cackled Deuce as the jumpsuit below him began to take itself off. Luke scooped up Deuce and helped him to the floor, leaving “Kristaps” headless. Once the rest of the costume had been unraveled, the team discovered that it was Jayson under the jumpsuit all along. Deuce had been sitting on his shoulders to give Kristaps the height he needed.

“Man, we had you COOKED, didn’t we?” said Jayson, dapping up the exasperated Jaylen. Joe and the real Porzingis had come downstairs.

“We wanted to see how the team would react if Jayson just vanished for a day. And if it wasn’t for your meddling, Jaylen, we would have gotten away with it!” said Joe, deviously but with a smile. “But you still confirmed what I thought: you know you’re stronger together.”

“But why did… you have Deuce sit on Jayson’s shoulder’s and dress up like Kristaps?” asked Payton.

“That was me and Deuce’s idea!” said Kristaps. “It seemed more fun that just having him stay at home, plus we managed to convince Jaylen that Joe had kidnapped his buddy! Epic prank!” Jaylen cracked a smile, and they all lived spookily ever after.

For liability reasons, all of that was fictional. Or if it did happen, nobody told me. In any case, Happy Halloween, everyone!